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All sheltered from the mother cloud
The raindrop hid up high
It saw the city’s seething town
With the people scurrying by
The North wind whispered softly
Its time that you must fly
And ever so gently the raindrop
Tip toed from the sky.
It thought it had a purpose
And that today must be the day
But sadly all alone and lost
On the pavement the raindrop lay
Over at the TLC Counselling Hub I have been working very closely with neurodiverse clients from all walks of life. This includes clients who are currently either waiting for assessments and diagnosis, or clients who already have this information.
One thing I always say is that labelling someone does not define who they are. In fact, by labelling someone it can be harmful and damaging. It’s like putting people into a box, but one that is unhelpful, uncertain and one that can create societal stigmas.
I embrace my client’s neurodiversity as their own unique way of being. I endeavour to ‘see’ the client and go beyond any label they may or not have been diagnosed with.
There has been a real surge in Neurodiversity over the last few years and it seems very topical at the moment. I personally as a therapist, have seen a sharp increase in teenagers and young adults who have sadly fallen through the net accessing my services recently.
These young clients are often in crisis by the time they walk through the Hub door. They are usually in the burn-out spiral and are ready to give up. They predominantly have been misunderstood, misinterpreted, misdiagnosed and often mismanaged their entire lives.
The good news is Neurodiversity is not just a buzz word anymore. In fact we have just had Neurodiversity Celebration Week 18th-24th March so what does it all mean and how best can we describe it?
Neurodiversity is a word used to describe the very different thinking styles that affect how people communicate and perceive the world around them. I say how they interpret incoming stimuli.
Neurodiversity is an umbrella term – a word that sums up lots of different things. It includes autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia and Tourette’s to name but a few!
Actually yes it is, around 15-20% of all the people living in the world are thought to have a neuro-difference of some type. No two people will be affected in the same way. At the TLC Hub I look at the best ways of working with my neurodiverse clients. I often say to facilitate their way forward I need to obtain a footstep into your world and see what your landscape looks like. Only then can I glimpse on what their needs may be.
I really enjoy working with Neurodivergent clients, as usually they have the most fascinating illuminating brains, which can be depicted as their super-power but can also be their nemesis! Fundamentally whatever their diagnosis, or Neurodivergent type may be, I see them as human being first and foremost, and being human is what it’s all about.
28-12-22
Be the difference that makes a difference… we left behind some hope!
How it all began
We headed off the four of us from Andover to Heathrow airport on a cold unremarkable November day. What we could not have possibly known back then sat in the departure lounge, was that we were embarking on a trip of a lifetime. Or more importantly a trip that was going to become life changing for the volunteers involved!
8 hrs later stepping off the plane into the very warm African sunshine, I felt a real sense of excitement of what this trip had in store. Little did I know that I, along with the rest of the team would be leaving behind a sense of hope to a small village in the middle of the African desert!
As-Eyla sits 3 miles from the Ethiopian border and approximately 99 miles from Djibouti City. This inspiring story starts with the vision of one-man, the very humble Jordan Wylie. Jordan made a promise to a young lad to build him a school and 4 years later in 2021 he did just that!
Due to Jordan’s amazing fund-raising achievements, he single handily paddle boarded around the UK in extreme often brutal conditions. His valiant efforts raised the vital funds that were needed for the school to be built. Our group of 12 volunteers from all walks of life were the first to go out and see the finished result. The trip had so many pinch me moments and highlights that will stay we me for a lifetime.
One of my personal highlights was working with Rhianna, a young, gifted artist who must take all the credit for having the vision of creating the stunning rainbow. With some cord from an unused mosquito net and a pencil tied to it, Rhianna skilfully and painstakingly drew the arcs in 37+ degree heat! It was a real joy to see the rainbow starting to take shape.
The painting team were inside mixing the colours to the right consistency for the rainbow paint to go onto the wall. I think you will agree the result is absolutely stunning!
So how did we leave behind some hope?
For months we had been planning, fundraising, making school packs, making jewellery, collecting toothbrushes, toothpaste, (courtesy of the very generous New Street Dental Practice https://newstreetdentalcare.co.uk/) t-shirts, book bags, caps, again very kindly donated by a local company Stitch A Logo https://www.stitch-a-logo.co.uk and a huge variety of other resources to take out to a very unsuspecting community.
During the pandemic, as well as the weekly clapping, we used rainbows to signify hope to support and encourage our amazing frontline workers. Fast forward nearly three years and we were able to leave some hope behind in the form of a rainbow for the children, teachers and community of As-Eyla! The outstanding thing is that all the children I worked with had never seen a rainbow let alone drawn one!
The rainbow is an iconic symbol biblical even, in the bible, a rainbow is the symbolism of covenant and making promises. You will find out that God used the rainbow to make a promise to Noah after the flood. Many will also associate rainbows with art as it’s something often used early in life when learning to draw, paint, or colour and rainbows are also an excellent example that is used to teach children about different colour. It has been used in songs telling us that dreams really will come true!
For the LGBTQ+ community the rainbow symbol demonstrates equality and diversity which is represented by the unification of the colours of the rainbow.
For me when setting up the TLC Counselling Hub I chose the rainbow as my logo to signify hope- for my clients, it also helped me remember my why- and what that represented to me and my personal journey.
An appearance of a rainbow after a dark time in someone’s life, is often said to act as a sign of a new beginning and offers hope and promise of a brighter future ahead.
Being at the school with all those beautiful, happy, smiling faces was what the trip was all about for me. I felt alive, human in a very humbling human moment!
What else did we get up to o this amazing expedition?
Yes, without doubt we all had an amazing time at the school, but there was also the ‘Terres De Extreme’ part to this expedition we also:
I guess the one thing I will take from this life changing expedition, is the people. The many different inspirational people I met along the way from all walks of life.
None of this could have been possible without Jordan though. One of the most inspirational, humblest people I have have met (and trust me I’ve met a few over the years!) He is like a magnet and people young and old are drawn to his illuminating, and yet calming influential personality.
I believe we all came away with a sense of purpose, fulfilment personal achievements and most importantly some hope for the future.
It’s not too late to support this or many of the other wonderful projects that the Frontline Children organisation are involved in. As the big fella says, ‘be the difference that makes a difference’! https://www.frontlinechildren.org
“Children are ultimately the innocent victims of war, and we must do everything we can to help” – Jordan Wylie
Ambassador, Frontline Children
By Nicky BatesPublished on 12th November, 2021
I don’t know about you, but when I get to this time of year, particularly when the clocks change and Halloween is done, and the smell of fireworks are just a mere whiff of a memory, I start to feel more tired. I have less energy, I’m more irritable and moody and I have absolutely no desire to go out into the dark and exercise.
I’m sure I’m not alone with this, and it got me thinking – a lot of my clients that I’m currently working with are also feeling quite low in energy and mood right now.
So, what could be causing this?
I believe as soon as the dark nights appear and our daylight hours are reduced, I suffer from SAD, better known as seasonal affective disorder. I would actually like to hibernate from November through to March but obviously know that I can’t. In these winter months, my clients (who are also suffering from the same condition) need my counselling services more.
It’s not a fad or some new trendy term for mild depression. The exact cause of SAD is not fully understood, but it’s often linked to reduced exposure to sunlight on autumn and winter days.
The main school of thought is that a lack of sunlight might stop a part of the brain called the hypothalamus from working correctly, which may affect the overproduction of the hormone melatonin. This could make you feel more sleepy, and lethargic at this time of year. To the sufferer, it may feel that basically your get up and go has got up and gone!
Absolutely, SAD is recognised in the DSM-IV and DSM-5 manuals (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Its classification has changed and is no longer classified as a’unique mood disorder’ but is now a specifier “with seasonal pattern” for the recurrent major depressive disorder that occurs at a specific time of the year (usually the winter months), then disappears once daylight hours are increased.
Some potential symptoms (although not prescriptive and should not be used as a diagnostic tool) could be described as:
Between November and March, we lose the daylight hours with the shortest day of the year being on the 21st of December, also known as the winter solstice. We only have a meagre eight hours and 46 minutes of daylight on this day. The one good thing is folks, after that, we start to gain up to twominutes and seven seconds of precious daylight every day.
Hopefully, this article may have helped you understand more about SAD. As a gestalt practitioner, I notice what comes into my awareness on the day. What works for me is taking out my puppy in all weathers and surrounding myself with bright lighting whilst working. This really helps to shift my mindset, low mood and lethargy.
Awareness = Choice = Change
Right Brain vs Left Brain and how this may affect the counsellor that I choose.
Were you one of those children who could just not draw, write poetry, or have rhythm or any artistic ability? Or were you one of those children who was absolutely lost on maths, science, physics or analytical problem solving. If you said yes to any of these then this article perhaps may shed some light as to why.
I’m not going to lie, I have always struggled with numbers, science, physics, calculations and analytical thinking and logical reasoning. Because of my inability to comprehend mathematics, I was told by a very oppressive maths teacher that I would never amount to anything (thanks for that!). In fact, “You are so bad at maths why don’t you just sit at the back of the class with a magazine!”
The 15 year old me did just that, sitting ashamed and embarrassed, daydreaming out of the window pondering that there must be more to life than maths! Willing and almost wishing that the limp, water logged daffodils would come to life and start dancing on the empty playground, and help me escape this cruel scenario I had to endure.
I’ve always been drawn to people, vibrancy, art, colour, music, from a very early age. I was able to read emotions, understand and empathise with people and see things through their lens. Listening and caring came naturally to me. I’ve always known that I was attracted to bright things, creativity and colour. In fact, I won first prize in my junior school craft week by painting a multi-coloured elephant (so vibrant and different she stood in the middle of the drab school hall) £5 was a lot of money back then!
What I couldn’t have possibly known back then, or even through my adolescence and early adult life, was my brain just didn’t function the way society perceived it should. It didn’t make sense of a world that seemed organised, measured, precise and narrow in its thinking. A creative brain was not much use to anyone that didn’t understand it let alone encourage it!
A heavily dominated right-sided brain struggles with huge walls of text which can make studying and essay writing a mammoth task. A heavily dominant right-sided brain will make more sense out of one single picture than a thousand words could ever depict.
Another example of this is whilst finishing my foundation degree, and having to write yet another case study, I was surrounded by a mountain of books. I felt like I was fire fighting my way through the text, trying to extract their point or meaning. My brain has to go over and over the phrase or meaning so many times for it to sink in. I can honestly say hand on heart, that in the seven years of studying, I never completed one counselling theory textbook. Don’t even get me started on the Harvard referencing system! How one could lose precious marks if semicolon or full stop was out of place.
So, is there a difference between the right and left sides of the brain?
Surprisingly enough there is a difference and quite a significant one at that. Imagine your brain cut into two halves, all though from an outward appearance they look the same, the variance couldn’t be more different. They don’t work independently of each other, they process information differently, and they both function completely differently for each individual.
How do they differ then and is this a new concept?
Absolutely not, the analysis that the brain has two hemispheres or a (split brain) that functions autonomously has been around for over 60 years! Sperry (1960) based his Nobel Prize winning theory on this very matter!
The Left Brain
According to Sperry the left brain is more verbal, precise, ordered and analytical than the right brain. Often referred to as the ‘digital’ brain or even the compute brain. He also suggested that the left brain was responsible for neural processes such as:
· rationality
· judgement
· sequencing
· straight thinking
· mathematics
· calculation
· reckoning
· specifics
· particulars
· limitations
· intelligent use of words
The Right Brain
The right brain however is more visual, creative uses intuition as a process. It is deemed less structured, organised and is sometimes depicted as the ‘analogue brain’ that uses indications or information characterised by a constantly adaptable physical quantity such as spatial position.
Sperry’s research indicated the right brain is also associated with
· inspiration
· vision
· inventiveness
· universal thinking
· perception
· awareness
· artistic temperament
· colour
· rhythm
· nonverbal cues
· emotions
· visualisation
daydreaming
· facial recognition
· 3D shape modelling
What is very obvious is that although structurally the two hemispheres are equivalent in size weight and measure, their neural functions and processes are hugely diverse! Food for thought is like our dominant hand do we also have dominant brain?
So Does it Make a Difference?
For myself there is no denying the difference! A recent test has only confirmed what I already knew from all those years ago, that my brain is an alarming 87.5% right brain.
But what does this mean? And does it even matter?
It matters because, for years of being made to feel inadequate and stupid with mathematics as my nemesis, having a freeze or having a mental block when trying to add up on the spot the restaurant bill scenario, there is actually a logical straightforward explanation for this.
My brain just does not work that way, only a meagre 12.5% of it does! It means that a very heavily right-sided brain will always struggle with maths, analytical problem solving, reading lots of uninspiring text and logical one-sided reasoning!
It means that rather than ostracise someone and put them at the back of the class, put them somewhere where their ideas can flourish and grow and come to life! It means that they have the potential to see beauty and hope where others do not. It means that having an intrinsic creative stance on life should be embraced with equality rather than disparity.
I was told at a nursing interview once, “Oh you are one of those arty-crafty types. I can’t be doing with people like you!” (Again, thanks for that!). But, despite her cruel words, I was a successful nurse for over 20 years. I am now able to use my creativity in my counselling working with metaphors, analogies, art, and creative mediums.
I write blogs and design flyers and web posts for a very well-established counselling organisation. I have never felt more free, liberated, and finally accepted! Hopefully, this article will highlight that before we dismiss, cast aside and write off children who struggle with maths, science and logic, perhaps we need to grasp and have an insight into what other attributes or hidden gems may be laying suppressed beneath their surface!
If this article has resonated with you or has made you sit up and think hey this has happened to me, then choosing a creative, insightful counsellor who uses intuition, awareness as well as free thinking may be better suited to you. They will be able to understand your point of reference and facilitate your journey in a holistic way.
Thanks for reading this article.
Nicky Bates
Counsellor & Creative Director of the TLC Counselling Hub
So a year ago yesterday we tragically lost a charismatic soul Caroline Flack. She was trolled terribly through all the socials and became a prisoner in her own home whilst waiting for an upcoming court case. Sadly her suicide prevented her from her day in court. A year on from these tragic events have we as a society become any kinder? read on to find out!
Kindness costs nothing but means everything!
Kindness is a type of behaviour marked by acts of generosity, consideration, or concern for others, without having an expectation of praise or reward. But is our society kind and considerate? Sadly we live in a world of very selfish, self obsessed people. Their only kindness is perhaps towards themselves. Unfortunately today’s society is I feel, anything but kind.
Obviously pre-Covid times, would you come to the aid of a lost child in a busy shopping centre? Would you give up your seat on the tube/bus for a pregnant woman? Would you knock on your next door neighbour’s door to offer to get their shopping for them in this current pandemic? These are questions we ask ourselves from time to time and we are often troubled by our honest responses.
As a society, we appear to have lost the instinct for kindness and the willingness to extend the olive branch or the hand of friendship outwards. Our responses to children, to the disabled, to older people, to strangers, are all conditioned by a concern not to offend and a for a fear of meddling in matters that do not concern us.
Unfortunately the social evils of today such as, Facebook, Instagram, Tik-Tok etc, highlights a real concern for the way in which society increasingly values people for their economic contributions, successes and overnight ladders of fame, rather than their natural ingrained traits of kindness and compassion.
Some blame the nature of regulation – while providing protection for some, it seems to have intimidated the majority. Others feel there has been a general decline in values, morals and hospitality. Individual gain and self importance, is seen as more significant than the ability to care for others.
Whatever the reasons, we are uncomfortable with the society we have created. The idea of the common good has been lost, and the Britain of today is experiencing a severe escalation in mental health (especially in teenagers) and sadly a social recession – the effects of which are far more devastating, longer-lasting, and isolating than the current Covid-19 crisis!
16-02-21 Written by the TLC Counselling Hub
The Emotional Balloons Metaphor…
Over at the TLC Hub I have been working very closely with some of my clients and their mixed balloons of emotions metaphor. Do you resonate with any of these?
My Emotional Balloons... I'm holding tight because they are mine, It’s what I do to keep myself fine, It’s the only word that I ever say, When people ask me how I’m feeling today. Am I fine? Am I? Though really? It’s what is expected, be positive! be cheery! But if I could name all the emotions I really feel, Then would it make me more congruent, more real? So here we go let me hold on tight, To allow my balloons to float into sight, Sometimes what I really want to say, Is actually, I’m not really feeling that great today! I’m feeling scared, anxious, sad, and worried, I’m feeling angry, empty, Lost, and hurried, I’m feeling tired, confused, not quite tip-top My already deflated balloons are ready to pop. I’m feeling afraid, belittled, weary, small, I’m feeling lack-lustre about to fall, I’m feeling timid, fed up, overwhelmed, shaking I feel my balloons are at the point of breaking. I’m feeling low, and unenthusiastically berated, I’m feeling stressed, insecure, totally frustrated. I’m feeling unimportant, unheard, with dread I’m holding my balloons by the merest of thread. I’m feeling so many different things today, A cacophony of balloons with no sound,… but hey, The emotions make all the noises they choose, I’m the dealer with the greatest hand to lose! My emotions are at the core of my being, They are all consuming they are all unseeing, So next time you ask me how I feel, Just pause for a sec… and think of my emotional deal. Try to look beyond to what I actually say, By noticing the emotional balloons stuck in my way, I’m hoping now that you really do see, This wall of complex emotions that make up me!! TLC HUB 2020
We all have them, we all carry them, and sometimes we just do not know what to do with them! Emotions are complicated parts of ourselves that can cause great happiness and complete despair! By naming and understanding our emotions it may unlock an awareness from within and provide an inner calmness. Quite frankly who does not want that!
Over the years much research has been carried out about our emotions. Some researchers argue that there are 8 main emotions, others say 6 but I am going to go that extra mile and go with 5. There are 5 core emotions that we carry as human beings. The rest have just become extended versions of these 5.
So What are Our Main Emotions?
The concept of core or “primary” emotions is not a new one. It is based on the premise that we, as humans, are “hardwired” with a defined set of basic emotions that have evolved in response to basic survival needs. However nothing is ever that simple is it? We are complex beings and therefore our emotions have inherently become complex too.
Now lets turn that 5 into over 100 hundred different emotions ‘Woah what’ I hear you say… There are three main factors which contribute to the complexity of labelling our emotions:
(1) The intensity in which we feel a core emotion can vary
(2) We can combine two or more core emotions at once
(3) We can mix core different emotions of varying intensities.
We can feel any of the core emotions with differing levels of intensity, and the intensity in which we feel any one of the five core emotions in and of itself establishes a new emotion. When emotional intensity is factored into the equation of labelling how we feel, we quickly expand beyond 5 core emotions into a spectrum of hundreds of emotions.
Combining Emotions
We rarely feel just one emotion at a time that would make life far too easy! Instead, our emotional experiences are typically made up of feeling a combination of emotions simultaneously. When this happens, the combined emotions establish a new emotion, with its own label.
For example using the diagram above, a feeling of angry and disgust results in feelings of contempt, or a feeling of joy and fear results in feelings of surprise.
Emotions Are Complex – So Find a Simple Way to Describe Them
The problem with simplifying our experiences to only one of the 5 core emotions is that it often negates the intensity or complexity of how we really feel. With the range of emotions growing exponentially due to intensity and our ability to combine and mix emotions, the complexities in communicating to others how we feel also increases.
This is why it is so important to teach our young children about emotions, how complex they can be and how to label them appropriately.. Only when we understand how we use our 5 core emotions can we teach children so they can find the right label to best communicate what they truly really feel. The Disney Pixar movie Inside Out demonstrated the 5 core embodied emotions perfectly!
So How Do We Capture Our Emotions ?
Thanks for reading this blog hopefully it explained a bit about those complicated things called emotions!
It sounds like its should be a title for a movie that has you suspended at gripped at every turn, but actually 450 hours is very significant number over at the TLC HUb. Last years the Hub’s Director Nicky Bates was struggling to accrue the 100 hours needed to pass her foundation degree course in Humanisitc and Gestalt Counselling. Fast forward 1 year and she now has clocked up a staggering 457 hours which means she can now apply for BACP accreditation. This is fine recognition in the counselling world!
The TLC Hub is really going from strength to strength with 37 clients on their books, working with all sectors of the community such as Police, Army, Nurses, civil servants, teachers and many more. We have won major contacts with Local councils and have been working closely with community groups. On average we are receiving approximately 2-3 new enquires a week. At this rate we will be taken on more staff to assist with this busy quirky practice.
Really though, it seems today’s society is anything but kind! Following the recent tragic death of TV personality Caroline Flack on the 15th of February 2020, the TLC Hub would like to dedicate this blog to her and to all the other people who have committed suicide or are contemplating suicide.
Her Instagram post of the 5th of November ‘in a world where you can be anything be kind’ is now being used as a slogan on a t-shirt produced by fashion company In The Style. The t-shirt made 100k in the first day of launch and all the proceeds were donated to the Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/. As a counsellor this fills my heart with joy in supporting mental health, but for Caroline, and for the millions of other people, it has sadly come far to late!
The Director of the TLC Hub uploaded the above Instagram post back in October 2018. Sadly 2 years on nothing has changed with suicide statics ever increasing. The Samaritans report that suicide figures in the UK in 2018, were 6,507 deaths by suicide (a rate of 11.2 deaths per 100,000 people). Overall, men accounted for three-quarters of UK deaths by suicide. The Statistics sadly highlights deaths by suicide are on an increase and rose by 10.9% in the UK in 2018.
Have you heard of the term the domino effect? This can best be described as, a chain reaction that has a cumulative effect produced when one event sets off a of similar events. The term is best known as a mechanical effect and is used as an analogy to a falling row of dominoes. It typically refers to a linked sequence of events where the time between successive events is relatively small. It can be used literally (an observed series of actual collisions) or metaphorically (causal linkages within systems such as global politics, society fads also known as the ripple effect). The term domino effect is used both to imply that an event is inevitable or highly likely (as it has already started to happen). You could offer that Caroline’s unprecedented t-shirt sell out has created a domino effect. Sadly though, she will never actually know how much she was truly loved by our KIND nation and our KIND hearts!
Let family or friends know what’s going on for you. They may be able to offer support and help keep you safe. There’s no right or wrong way to talk about suicidal feelings – starting the conversation is what’s important.
If you find it difficult to talk to someone you know, you could:
Samaritans Tel Number 116 123
website https://www.samaritans.org/
Calm (Campaign Against living Miserably) Helpline for men.
Tel Number 0800 58 58 58
Papyrus– for people under 35
Tel Number 0800 068 41 41
Childline for young people under 19
Tel Number 0800 1111
This stunning picture was taking at night using a special UV camera to demonstrate what light flowers emit that are not visible to the naked eye. This got me thinking about humans and what is not seen by the counsellor during the sessions.
What the Counsellor does not see is the client’s thoughts, the client’s fears or the depth of their presenting issue. The counsellor cannot possibly see the client’s vulnerability. You cannot see the courage it takes for the client to just sit there and not bolt right out of the door! We cannot see their anxiety, stress or the whirling thought processes. We cannot see OCD, depression or bi-polar.
As a counsellor we cannot possibly see the weight the client has been dragging around with them from their past into their here and now. Which could ultimately ruin their future. We cannot see the complicated layers they have built in the unconscious, often unavailable parts of their minds. We cannot see the trauma they have encountered or the pain they may have endured.
We cannot see their attachment style or how they bonded to an early care giver. We cannot see what love means to them, or how they possibly do or do not absorb it. We cannot see the often anxious fragility of their minds, or the terror that sits behind their eyes! We cannot see the loneliness that invades their core being.
What I see in my Gestalt capacity, is a person sat in front of me who is waiting to be seen!
TLC Hub 2020
